


Effervescence

by paperstorm



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-02
Updated: 2011-03-02
Packaged: 2017-10-21 07:25:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/222459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperstorm/pseuds/paperstorm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The night was going spectacularly. Then Jensen had to go and open his big, drunk mouth. Even his and Jared's friendship isn't strong enough to bounce back from this one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _****_**Warnings** : non-AU, references to Sandra McCoy and Genvieve Cortese
> 
>  **Author's Notes** : This fic was inspired by the adorable speeches J&J  gave at the SPN 100th episode party, [www.youtube.com/watch](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaYVYqY6y7E).

" _I can't thank you enough from the bottom of my heart for making an outsider feel as welcome and as humbled to be a part of something this great every single day."_

Fuck. Jensen can't believe he said that. He was having such a fantastic night, too. It's a crazy huge accomplishment, getting to a hundred episodes and still going strong! Something he never dreamed in his wildest fantasies that he'd ever get to be a part of when a twenty-five year old version of himself signed the papers and brought Dean Winchester into his life. He still can't believe it sometimes; how lucky he is. The last five-ish years has flown by in a fantastic whirlwind of fake weapons and drawled lines and long days and rabid, screaming fans, and a second family he loves as much as his real one. _That's_ what he should've said. Thanks guys, love you, let's keep givin' 'em hell. And instead, what the fuck did he do? He drank too much and he let Jared hug him too many times and then he got up onstage and choked back tears during his entire, fumbling speech. An outsider they made feel welcome? Seriously? That makes him sound like a lost kitten they found on the side of the road and brought home and took care of. Which he _wasn't_ , shut up. He's never been that weak and pathetic. Alright, so maybe his life wasn't as together back then as it is now, but he was doing just fine without Supernatural, thank you very much.

And that's all very well except for the fact that it isn't true. Not even a little bit. He wasn't fine before the show picked him up and dusted him off and took him in. He was wandering. He lived on his own without so much as a goldfish for company, he had a few 'friends' (although looking back now and comparing them to Jared, they weren't really friends at all) he dated around a little but never met anyone who really did it for him. He talked to his mom on the phone way more than a guy in his early twenties has any right to. His career wasn't exactly tail-spinning, but it certainly wasn't shooting for the moon either. A few, too-brief stints on a soap and a recurring character on shows about Superman and vampires and Dawson's Fucking Creek. Jensen still feels douchey when he remembers that one. It was work, it was a job and he took it because everyone pays their dues, but he was rapidly becoming one of those actors doomed to always be the guest star.

Which was okay as a start but he wanted more. Despite a monumental amount of doubts he had (and still has) about himself, he _can_ act. That much he always knew. And then, Sam Winchester. The younger of two brothers who save the world from ghosts and monsters while searching for their missing father. You interested, Jen? Hell yeah, he was. And yeah, he ended up as Dean, but Jensen was good with that because Sam's sweet, but he's kind of a bitch. Or at the beginning he was, anyway. And Jared's got that sad-puppy look down that Jensen could never master, so Jared's better as Sam anyway. The auditions went great, Jensen had never been as proud of himself as he was when he nailed that first read-through. A blur of contracts and negotiations, nice to meet you Jared, and that was that. And from the second he stepped onto that set for the first time, it was like a weight lifted off his chest. A weight that he'd gotten so used to being crushed by he wasn't even aware it was there anymore until it was gone.

It only took a few months for Jensen to decide that he loved every single one of his new coworkers. What he said on stage may have been stupid and sappy, but it was true – till then, he always had been the outsider; the new guy who came in to a pre-established family. Trying to find a connection in a group of people who already are connected is ridiculously difficult. Oh, he met some nice people of course. Tom was very sweet. David was laid-back and always up for a good time. And James Van Der Beek, despite the ridiculous blond curls, was to date the funniest guy Jensen's ever met. But he was always a temporary add on; he got to spend time with them but he was never actually part of their group. Until Supernatural. He was the star of a TV show, now _he_ got to be the center of a family and let other people be the onlookers. And they're an amazing group of people, they adopted Jensen straight away like they'd known him all along, and in a weird way Jensen kinda felt like they had. Alright, fine, essentially, they made an outsider feel welcome. They did. Jensen just wishes he hadn't said it. He doesn't _say_ shit like that.

And then, there's Jared. That's a category all on it's on. Jensen can vividly remember every second of that first conversation. I'm from San Antonio. Oh cool, I'm from Dallas. You must be a Cowboys fan then. Totally, you? Oh, for sure, the Texans suck! They didn't see each other again for a while after that, not till they shot the pilot, but once they started spending any substantial amount of time together, it took Jensen about three days to realize there was something really special about this kid. Something he couldn't place at the time, but looking back now it seems obvious. Especially considering it took him maybe a month to decide Jared might be the best person he'd ever met. It took him less than two months to realize he wasn't ever really happy unless Jared was around, and maybe three and a half months to call Jared his best friend.

He'd never really had a best friend growing up, but he had one then, and his feelings haven't changed even after five years. Jared's amazing. He's funny and sweet and crazy smart and talented and he has this way about him, this look on his face that makes you want to tell him every dark secret you've got because you just _know_ he'd keep them. His smile lights up the room, his laugh makes you want to kill your own mother to've been the one to elicit that beautiful sound. And he's honest, more honest than Jensen's ever been even with _himself_ , let alone other people. He has no filter, none at all. Ask him absolutely anything and he'll tell you that and a million other things you never even wanted to know. He's not attention-seeking or anything like that, he's just a swirling dervish of light and energy and zest for life. In his head, Jensen called him the Tasmanian Devil for the first year of their relationship (when he wasn't calling him Sasquatch, of course. The kid was ridiculously giant, even then). Jensen's shared more of himself with Jared then he's ever shared with anyone else, even his own family. Jared's like an excitable, overgrown toddler and it's impossible not to get caught up in it when he's around, and more and more Jensen found himself loosening, relaxing, letting the world see past the mask; letting people see the person Jensen really was instead of the one he thought they wanted him to be. Five years later and Jensen barely even recognizes himself as the same person. He's confident and easy-going and effervescent, and that's totally and completely thanks to Jared.

The most amazing thing about Jared, though? Is how much he gives. How he pours a million percent of himself into everything he does. Jensen's pretty sure his friend is pathologically incapable of being selfish. It's like he doesn't even understand the word. You could ask him for his liver and both kidneys and he'd rip them out himself before he even asked why. And if you tried to explain that he was giving too much, that he should put himself first, he'd cock his head and blink at you with those doe eyes that don't understand what it means. He's a bit like Dean in that respect; offering everything he has without a word of complaint. Jensen's really come to lean on Jared in the last few years, personally and professionally, and Jared's always there but sometimes Jensen catches them in a kind of roll reversal situation where suddenly Jared's the older brother – giving it because Jensen needs it. A few years back, there was this wedding Jensen promised his parents he'd go to but he _really_ didn't want to because most of his high school graduating class was gonna be there and the last thing he wanted to do was deal with that. Then Jared found out Jensen was going-but-dreading-it, and he offered to come along and run interference. With Jared there by his side, diffusing the tension with jokes and easy smiles, it ended up being one of the funnest nights of Jensen's life and it was the night he realized he was in love with his best friend.

Yes, okay, he's in love with Jared. If that wasn't already painfully obvious. The kid is an enormous man-child, he's loud and uninhibited and reckless, and sometimes he's needy and overly emotional, and he's got absolutely no concept of boundaries, but he's got a personality that's as big as his body and Jensen loves him. Loves him for every single strength and loves him even more for those few flaws. He loves Jared's stupid, floppy hair that always looks kinda ridiculous when it hasn't been professionally styled. He loves the way it falls into his eyes when he blushes and looks down at his shoes. He loves Jared's over-the-top demeanor. He loves Jared's huge, protecting hands. He loves how much Jared cares about his dogs. He loves Jared expressive, beautiful eyes and he loves that mole beside Jared's nose and he loves that one eyetooth in Jared's wide smile that isn't quite straight. He even loves Jared's needy side; he loves that for almost three weeks after he broke up with Sandy, Jared crawled into bed with Jensen and slept with his hand on Jensen's naked stomach like he'd fall apart if he didn't have something warm and real to hang on to. Jensen loved that he was the one Jared turned to in his moments of weakness.

The only thing he doesn't love? Is that it can never happen. Jared's amazing and wonderful and beautiful and definitely straight. Jensen's never seen him show any interest in a guy before. Of course, Jared's always draping himself over anyone who won't push him away, mostly Jensen and Jim and Misha, but Jared loves to touch and he isn't gender-specific when he's feeling cuddly. But Jensen's known him for long enough to be able to distinguish the touches that are just Jared being Jared and the ones that mean he's interested. And Jared's definitely interested in girls. Sandy was in his life for a long time, and even though Jared hasn't been in any serious relationships since things ended with her, he's dated around a little and they've all been unquestionably female. Usually slight and short with brown eyes and dark hair too, or, in other words, the complete opposite of Jensen. Hell, Genevieve was so similar in stature and coloring to Sandy that Jensen had to bite his tongue damn near right off to keep from suggesting that she was just a substitute for the fiancé Jared lost. Turns out he didn't need to, though, that particular relationship only lasted about two months. And Gen was sweet and Jensen feels a little bad about it, but he couldn't help the internal victory dance he'd done when Jared had come home from a date announcing that they'd decided to just be friends.

Since then, Jared went on one blind date set up by his brother that turned out to be a disaster, and he went out three or four times with this drop-dead gorgeous girl he met at Starbucks, but that one didn't work out either. Apparently she had _crazy eyes_. Jensen didn't ask. But of course, all of that adds up to Jared spending most of his nights at home, on the couch they bought together, curled up against Jensen's side while they watch stupid movies or old episodes of the show and drink every time Sam says 'Dean'. Which is just fine with Jensen, because Jared is warm and he smells amazing, but with every month that goes by and neither of them are any closer to settling down, Jensen is more aware of the fact that he's tricking himself into thinking he's in some kind of relationship with Jared when he's very clearly not. He's in too deep now, though, and as time marches on he's becoming less and less sure that he's just gonna be able to bounce back from that inevitable day when Jared tells him he's met someone.

"There you are! Thought I lost you," a voice from behind him says before a giant, warm body is enveloped around his as Jared hugs him from behind.

"Hey Jare," Jensen mumbles, leaning back just a little into his friend's embrace.

"You alright?" Jared asks quietly. "We cut the cake and then you disappeared."

Jensen shrugs a little but doesn't get a chance to answer before Misha's voice yells "Group hug!" and then in the space of a blink Jensen's sandwiched between the two men and suddenly he's the center of attention again; a throng of people in a circle around them, laughing and whooping as Misha bounces excitedly and Jared snickers.

Jensen grimaces a little but he manages to mold his face into enough of a mask that no one seems to notice.

"Be my valentine?" Misha asks, blinking up at Jensen and grinning like an idiot.

Jensen can't help but chuckle as he pokes the man in the ribs. "Absolutely. Now get off me."

Misha cheers and gets another round of laughter from the crowd. "Shots!" he announces loudly. "Who's with me?"

Then he's letting go of Jensen and leading the noisy mob off toward the bar, practically skipping as he goes. Jensen smiles and shakes his head affectionately. He loves that man, he really does. He didn't always; when this off-beat, eccentric person first joined their ranks, he was just outgoing and goofy enough to bond with Jared almost instantaneously, and for a while Jensen was insanely jealous, thinking that Jared liked this new guy more than him. But time proved that wasn't true; Jared loves hanging out with Misha but he always invites Jensen along with them, and seems truly happy to have Jensen there. And after a while, Jensen warmed to Misha's particular brand of humor and he started to love having another reason to look forward to going to work.

"So you gonna tell me what's up?"

Jensen jumps a little; he'd forgotten that Jared was still wrapped around him.

"No, it's – I'm fine," Jensen sighs. "Just tired. Had a few too many. Think I'm gonna get outta here."

Jared nods. "Okay. I'll call Clif. Wanna get a pizza or something on the way?"

"What?" Jensen pulls away from the warm body and turns around so he can see Jared's eyes. "You don't need to come with me, dude."

"I want to."

"No, you – c'mon, you should be celebrating like everyone else," Jensen protests. "Just cause I'm not feeling so hot doesn't mean you should have to miss out. Stay."

"I know I don't have to," Jared says simply. "But I know you, I know there's something wrong that you're not telling me. So I'm coming with you. That way I'll be there when you remember that you can tell me anything."

Jensen blinks and swallows thickly. This is one of those times when he feels overwhelmed by the extent of Jared's devotion; feels like he doesn't deserve the amount of love and loyalty Jared gives him.

"You … Jare, this is your night too," Jensen protests weakly. "You deserve to enjoy it. Don't let me bring you down."

Jared smiles and shakes his head, reaching out and cupping Jensen's cheek in his warm palm. "You're not bringing me down. It's _our_ night, and we don't need to be at a party to celebrate it. And you're crazy if you think any of these people mean half as much to me as you do."

Jensen looks away. This is really too much; it's not gonna be long before he completely convinces himself that Jared's in love with him too and then it's gonna hurt that much more when he remembers Jared's straight. He's already been having those thoughts in the last few months. Jared's come home from a lot of dates lately, announcing that it didn't work out but not seeming upset in the least about it – he always seems more than happy to spend his nights with Jensen instead. And when Jensen allows himself to drift off into fantasy and believe that he isn't imagining things, his biggest clue is Genevieve. In the end, she wasn't with Jared for all that long, but she clearly really liked him, right from the beginning. And she became fast friends with everyone on the set, everyone except for Jensen.

Oh she was nice enough to him, but Jensen always got the feeling that she never really liked him. And sometimes he would catch her looking at him with this sad, disappointed look on her face. Jensen isn't even sure whether or not he's making this up in his own head, but he was almost certain she'd look at him that way more often than not when he was with Jared – when he and Jared would go into a trailer together, or when they would use their few minutes of free time on set to find a corner somewhere and catch up on each other's day; sometimes Jensen was _sure_ he felt Gen watching them in the same wistful way that Jensen himself used to watch Jared and Sandy. More than once, he dared to let himself believe that she was seeing something in Jared that he couldn't quite see himself. Sometimes he imagines their break up – imagines Gen saying something like "I can't do this anymore. You're clearly in love with Jensen." In his dreams, Jared doesn't tell her she's wrong.

"I'm calling Clif," Jared pronounces, and Jensen startles again.

Damn, it's too easy to get lost in his thoughts when his head is swimming. Champagne always does this to him. He really should be protesting; letting Jared take him home and take care of him is gonna do absolutely nothing to dispel that tiny, hopeful part of him that wants to believe Jared has feelings for him, but Jared's already hit speed-dial and Jensen can faintly hear the phone ringing as Jared holds it up to his ear.

"Yeah, it's Jared," he says after a minute, plugging his other ear to listen over the din. "Jensen's not feeling good, I'm gonna take him home." He pauses and looks up, scanning the crowd, and then grins when he spots Clif across the room. "Yeah, I see you. Okay. Bye."

"Man, seriously, you don't need to," Jensen half-heartedly objects one more time.

"I want to," Jared repeats firmly. "I'm not gonna have any fun here anyway, if I know you're at home alone feeling like crap. C'mon."

He gets a good grip on Jensen's shoulders and steers him through the crowd, toward the back alley where Jensen assumes Clif's gonna meet them. It's takes about twenty minutes to get across the room; they encounter a lot more 'are you leaving?'s and 'oh, give me a hug goodbye!'s than Jensen would like, but he manages to steel his grin and fool everyone into thinking that he's totally fine. Everyone except Jared, probably, but he doesn't mention it. When they finally make it out the door, the black SUV is already waiting for them and Jensen breathes a small sigh of relief. Jared doesn't say anything about that either, but he does squeeze Jensen's hand briefly before making his way around to his side of the car. If Clif notices, he doesn't show it.

"Have a good night, boys?" he asks.

"Definitely," Jensen returns easily. "Too much bubbly, though. Gonna feel that in the morning."

Clif chuckles a little and Jared smiles his agreement, but Jensen can tell the latter isn't genuine.

"You sure you're okay?" are Jared's first words as soon as they're in motion, and Jensen's eyes flicker toward their driver before he grinds out an answer.

"M'fine."

Jared glances over to the front seat too, and then he leans in close enough so his next words are just for Jensen. "Tell me when we get home?"

Jensen considers refusing; maintaining that he's okay, just tired, and hoping Jared will let it go. But Jared _won't_ let it go, and sooner or later Jensen's gonna break down and talk. He always does. So he nods and pats Jared's knee, hoping it's too dark back there for Clif to see the small touch.

Jared, being Jared, insists that they stop to pick up an enormous pizza and a 40 of Johnny Walker before they make it back to the modest, suburban house they've shared for the last two years. Jensen doesn't really feel like drinking anymore, even through the drive home sobered him up considerably, but he doesn't protest. Sometimes he thinks he doesn't have the ability to say no to Jared any more than Jared has the ability to say it to him. They've become co-dependant in a way that really can't be healthy, but at this point Jensen's far too addicted to that dimpled smile to care that it damns him. Clif wishes them a good night and then Jared ushers Jensen inside and pushes him toward the couch. He says a brief hello to his two favorite girls, currently yipping happily and bouncing around at his feet; excited as always that Daddy's home. Then he grabs two glasses and a handful of napkins, and when he's got them both set up with enough Johnny to cause alcohol poisoning and a piece of greasy, pepperoni & black olive pizza (Jensen's favorite), he takes a long drink from his glass, burps, and then fixes his gaze on Jensen and says "Speak."

Jensen sighs. "Do I have to?"

"Course not. But … well, something obviously happened. One minute you were fine and the next you were hiding in the corner." Jared shrugs and takes a few bites of the slice in his hand. "Don't have to tell me anything, I guess, if you don't wanna. Just thought you might feel better if you did."

Jensen heaves another sigh and takes a few big sips of his drink. It's such a ridiculous thing to be upset about, he feels like such a pathetic sap, so if he's gonna actually talk to Jared about it he's definitely not doing it sober. The sharp, amber liquid is warm as it slips down his throat and after a minute or two, his vision stars blurring around the edges just a little and that loose, relaxed feeling mellows in his chest.

"My speech was dumb," he says after a few minutes of ticking silence broken only by the sounds of Jared chewing.

Jared looks up. "What? No it wasn't."

"I … I mean, not _all_ of it," Jensen concedes, drinking again. "Just the part about me being an outsider, and they made me feel welcome or whatever. You don't … don't you think that sounded kind of … I don't know, pathetic?"

Jared blinks. "Not at all. I think it sounded honest."

"Exactly. Pathetic." Jensen shakes his head in disgust.

Jared doesn't say anything for a moment, he just watches Jensen, considering. Jensen blushes at being studied so closely. Then Jared puts his pizza and drink down on the coffee table and shifts a little closer, turning in to Jensen and settling cross-legged on the couch.

"Sharing pieces of who you really are with people isn't a bad thing, Jen," he says gently. "I'm not sure where you ever got this idea that you have to be perfect for people to like you, but you're the only person on the planet who believes it."

Jensen fixes his gaze on his own knees, face burning a little hotter, although not necessarily in embarrassment anymore.

"It's true, what you said, isn't it? I mean, before we started the show you were a little bit unsure about where you belonged, weren't you?"

Jensen nods.

"So what's so wrong with people knowing that?" Jared reasons. "The way I see it, what you said made every person in that room feel good about themselves. We're the ones who get all the credit and all the attention, you know? But you saying how much you love being a part of this family, all that did was take every hairdresser and gaffer and editing tech and make them feel like they're important too. How is that bad?"

Jensen isn't really sure what to say to that. He'd never considered it that way. There's a balloon of warmth inflating in his chest now, and dear god, he is so in love with this man that it's almost hard to breathe. Jared's the only person in the world who could take something Jensen's supposed to be embarrassed about and turn it into a good thing. The various booze in his system is still swirling around in his stomach, though, and it's making him feel like he should still be ashamed right now, although of what, specifically, he's not sure anymore.

"I dunno," he mumbles. "I just don't like people knowing stuff like that about me. I mean, I don't mind if it's you, but … I don't know. I guess it doesn't really make sense. I just drank too much and I was a little, overwhelmed, I guess."

Jared nods understandingly, and reaches his hand out to wrap his fingers around the back of Jensen's neck. "I know what you mean. But it's not like you were sobbing uncontrollably or anything, right? You were on fire for most of the night! I mean, the Blues Brothers thing? Jen, that was awesome! You were awesome. I promise, no one will've noticed you being anything less than that confident, funny guy they all know."

" _You_ noticed," Jensen points out sullenly, downing the rest of his drink and tossing the cup to the floor. He's almost fully drunk again already, but hot, dull pulses of his heart are just making everything feel really good so he doesn't care.

"Yeah, cause I know you better than they do."

"You know me better than anyone does."

Jared smiles, wide and genuine, and pitches forward, ending up sprawled mostly on top of Jensen, sort of in his lap.

"Good," he says softly, nuzzling into Jensen's neck and sighing happily, so alright, maybe Jared's a little drunk too.

Doesn't matter, it still feels nice to have him so close, even if the alcohol is impairing Jared's judgment a little right now. Jensen slides his arms around Jared's back and holds on tightly. There should be a voice in Jensen's head right now screaming at him that this isn't gonna end well, that Jared's cuddly and affectionate at the best of times, much more so when he's been drinking; and therefore Jensen shouldn't be allowing himself to think anything of the fact that Jared's kissing his neck. But that voice left the building hours ago, and all Jensen can think is how warm and loving and safe it feels to have Jared's big, solid body crushing into his own. Jared must have feelings for him, right? That's the only thing that makes sense. Jensen's head may be spinning in a mixture of booze and crazy sexual excitement, but even in his inebriated state he knows that you don't suck kisses into someone's neck unless you have feelings for them.

Jensen's heart stutters a jack-rabbit pace against his ribcage. Jared likes him back! And he smells … holy crap he smells amazing. Like salt and sand and a hint of a sharp, manly smell that Jensen dimly recognizes as Jared's deodorant. Jensen's … is he licking Jared's temple? Maybe. He's licking something, definitely, because there's an explosion of the salty taste of skin on Jensen's tongue. He opens his eyes blearily and find's Jared's blurred out face is right in front of his own. He can make out eyelids and the outline of a nose and there's soft hair tickling Jensen's forehead and that means … Jesus Christ, that mean's Jared's _kissing_ him. Like, his _mouth_. Jensen blinks a few times and tries to focus his body on something other than the buzzing of his skin and yep, that's Jared's tongue. That's Jared's tongue IN JENSEN'S MOUTH. Holy crap holy crap holy crap.

Jensen moans, can't help it, and surges up to crush the soft lips with his own, grabbing at the back of Jared's head to force him closer. It's amazing. It's hot and desperate and dizzying and Jensen's never felt something so good, he never imagined it would be _half_ as mind-bendingly perfect as it is. The alcohol in his system combined with a scorching, blistering need to taste Jared everywhere has Jensen's world spinning completely out of control. He doesn't know if they're still on the couch, he barely even knows his own name and it's so wonderful, so much of everything he's ever wanted and a million more things that he never even dared to want and … and then suddenly the body under his hands isn't soft and pliable anymore. Jensen's pretty sure that's a bad thing, but his sluggish brain strains to remember why. Because it means … damn it, it means _something_ … Jensen just can't remember what …

"Jen," Jared breaths against his lips. "What're we doing?"

They … kissing, right? Yes, there was definitely kissing. He tries to say it but it gets garbled in his whiskey soaked brain and comes out an unintelligible mumble.

"Shit, shit, I'm so sorry." Jared mutters, pushing up off of Jensen and over to the other side of the couch. "I … fuck, I'm sorry, Jen. I – I get handsy when I drink too much, I …" he trails off and hauls himself unsteadily to his feet.

"No, don't … don't go," Jensen slurs. The words don't sound right but his tongue isn't working. "… uhve you …"

"You what?" Jared asks, leaning down a little to catch Jensen's words.

"Love you," Jensen finally manages to force out.

Jared laughs a little. "Love you too, buddy. Now c'mon, lets get you into bed – "

"No!" Jensen snaps, suddenly insanely frustrated. Why doesn't Jared understand? " _Love_ you."

Jared still doesn't say anything so Jensen forces his arms to push his torso up enough so he can see Jared's face.

"I _love_ you," he insists.

The room is still spinning a little but Jensen's vision has cleared enough that he can see the progression of emotions play across Jared's face. Jared's face brightens in comprehension – _Oh!_ And then … oh. It falls.

"No, no, no," he mumbles. "S'a good thing, Jare, so good …"

"You … you're drunk, Jen," Jared says quietly. "You've had a lot to drink, we – we need to not talk about this, not now."

Not …? Jensen can't remember what those words mean. Why can't he remember?

"You … kissing me …"

"I'm sorry," Jared says again, his voice farther away now. "I'm – oh God, I'm so sorry Jensen. I didn't know. I – tomorrow, okay? We'll talk about this tomorrow. Everything's gonna be okay, just … tomorrow."

Jensen? No, they … tomorrow? What's … he can't …

____

The first thought Jensen has is that something crawled into his mouth and died. Possibly weeks ago. The second is sweet mother of _god_ it's bright in here! What is he, in an interrogation room? Who the hell left all the lights on? The third is _fuck_ , Jared, stop playing the drums! And then … wait, Jared doesn't own drums. And the light is … Jensen blinks groggily and takes a glance around. It's just sunlight, the drapes are open. And the diseased dung beetle that died in his … a hangover, this is what a hangover feels like. Why was he drinking? What was – oh. The party, the … oh god. Jensen's feels like he just got a shot to the gut with a sledge hammer as it all comes wooshing back to him in one painful blast. The party, singing Blues Brothers music, champagne, speeches, "no fun without you here", "you know me better than anyone", lips, Jared. _Jared_. Oh dear lord no. He … he told him. He told Jared, he … they talked, he – Jensen let himself be honest. He let himself be _vulnerable_ and then he told Jared the one thing he was never, ever supposed to know. Jared _kissed_ him. Jared was kissing him and it was amazing and perfect and then Jensen said it and Jared … Jared left. He said he was sorry. He said 'tomorrow'. And then he left.

There's a full orchestra of kettledrums pounding behind Jensen's eyelids and there's a very real possibility that he's about to throw up all over himself and all he can think is that he _told him_ and Jared shot him down. Jared, who always told him to be honest, always told Jensen it was okay to let people in. "You can tell me anything, Jen." And the one time Jensen listened to him? The one time in his life he let his guard completely down, let himself be totally honest with someone, and what happened? Not only are his feelings unreturned, but he probably also just lost the only real friend he's ever had. There's no way to come back from this, even for them. With everything they've been through, Jensen used to think his and Jared's friendship was strong enough to weather anything, but not this. If it was just the kissing, that would be one thing. That would be something they could repress and maybe joke about in a few months. But you don't tell your best friend you're in love with him and just bounce back. Jensen wishes he was dead.

Never again. He is never going to let himself be vulnerable with anyone ever again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen's awake. Jared can hear him moving around downstairs, slow and shuffley; probably suffering from one hell of a hangover. Jared had a lot to drink last night but Jensen had way more. Out of the two of them, Jared's always been the early-bird, but it's not like Jensen to sleep past 10, even on a Saturday, so when the digital clock beside Jared's bed blinked 11:00 AM and there was still no sign of life from the lump on the couch, he briefly considered going down to make sure his friend was still breathing. But he's glad he didn't, because now it's 11:26 and the water is running in the kitchen and it's making Jared's blood run cold.

He slept for maybe a grand total of two hours last night, and his eyes are a bit scratchy but he doesn't really feel tired. He just feels sick. And it has nothing to do with the hangover. It has everything to do with the man downstairs, who he can hear opening and closing cupboards and muttering to himself, even from the floor above. Jared tossed and turned all night, his gut twisting painfully as he attempted to work out what happened and figure out what the hell he's gonna do about it. He can't loose Jensen, that wasn't even an option in Jared's mind. But that's about as close to clarity as he could get after he left his best friend passed out on the couch and climbed what seemed like about seven million stairs to get to his bedroom. Ten hours later and he's still not any closer to figuring out how he feels about what Jensen said.

Of course, there is a very real possibility that Jensen's just gonna laugh it off and say he didn't mean it that way. Which could be entirely true; people say shit they don't mean when they're drunk. But sometimes they say shit that they _do_ mean but have just never been brave enough to vocalize before. For some reason, that's the option Jared's leaning towards. Yeah Jensen had had like fifteen beers and half a bottle of whiskey, but there was something in his voice, on his face, that leads Jared to believe his friend was telling the truth. And Jensen was feeling vulnerable last night and Jared really shouldn't have kissed him; he's aware that he totally brought this one himself but it doesn't make it any less confusing. Jared loves Jensen, of course he does, but not like _that_. At least, he doesn't think he does. He's never let himself think about Jensen like that. Okay, except for like half a second the first time they met when Jared had a _brief_ 'holy crap, this is the most beautiful man on the planet' related thought, but other then that. And okay, fine, maybe a few times when he's been with whatever girl he was dating at the time he _might_ have caught himself imagining green eyes and lightly freckled skin and perfect, full lips, but shut up, they spend an unnatural amount of time together so that's perfectly normal.

Except that now, Jared's not so sure it is normal. He's always been a touchy-feely kind of guy; not usually in a sexual way, he just really likes hugging people and holding their hands and whatever else. He doesn't mean anything by it – who the hell doesn't like a hug? – and even though he's definitely like that with everyone, if he's honest with himself he's way more like that with Jensen. They bonded almost immediately and it took no time at all for Jared's opinion of his new co-star to grow from 'this guy is pretty cool' to 'this is the awesomest person I've ever met' to 'let's be best friends forever'. And then he was all over Jensen, he remembers that really clearly. Any excuse he could get to touch the older man, he took it. Is that what Jensen was picking up on? Is this whole thing Jared's fault, did he cause this?

The short answer is probably yes. Jared's always been told he's a flirt, that he tends to lead people on without realizing it. And looking back on his life, that's definitely a true statement. He always had people thinking he's into them when he's not. Once, in the tenth grade, Chelsea Brinkley actually managed to convince herself that they were _dating_ , when in reality they were barely even friends. Jared can't help it, he's just friendly and complimentary and overly-enthusiastic sometimes, and he tends to attract the kind of person that's already looking for something to be where it isn't. A few jokes and an easy smile is all it takes sometimes for someone to decide Jared's in love with them. He's gotten better at controlling it now that he's older; he can spot the expression, now, that a girl gets in her eyes when she looks at him and likes what she sees, and he's better at not getting too close to people who might take a compliment the wrong way. But the last thing he ever, ever wanted was to do this to Jensen. Jared felt lower than dirt in the tenth grade when he'd had to gently let Chelsea down, and the slight fondness he felt for her at the time pales in comparison to what he feels for Jensen. He never wanted to _do_ this, never wanted to manipulate his friend like this.

There is, of course, always the possibility that Jensen wasn't manipulated into anything; that he really does feel for Jared what he says he does and got there all by himself. Jared's not sure which thought terrifies him more – that it happened _again_ , that he unintentionally led _another_ person on, or that Jensen feelings for him are genuine and Jared's gonna have to deal with the fact that his best friend is in love with him, and with whatever feelings Jared may or may not have in return. Which, alright, if he's completely honest with himself, what Jensen feels isn't completely one-sided. Jared never let himself think about it because in his head it was an impossibility. It's like thinking that he'll never walk on the moon. Yeah sure, it would be cool if he could, but it's never going to happen and Jared's okay with that. Same way he feels about Jensen, or did anyway. Yeah, Jensen's the most attractive guy Jared's ever seen (and he's met Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp and all those men who're supposed to be hot), and yeah, it would be crazy hot to see those perfect, porn-star lips wrapped around Jared's cock, but it's was never, ever gonna happen so Jared didn't bother wasting time thinking about.

Except now Jensen's put the thought in his head, and now Jared can't really think about anything else. Probably wouldn't be so terrible, actually, being with Jensen like that. Jared already likes him more than he liked any of the girls he dated. He has more fun with Jensen, laughs more, cries more, shares more of himself with Jensen then he ever has with anyone else and Jared's not exactly the kind of person who holds himself back in the first place. There's pretty much nothing Jensen doesn't know about him. So taking all that fantasticness and adding sex? Yeah, definitely not the worst idea they've ever had. Except for the not-so-unimportant fact that Jared isn't gay. He's from Texas, for christsakes, he's pretty sure he's not even allowed to be gay even if he wanted to be.

Which he doesn't, for the record. Not that he's got anything against gay people, not at all. If Jensen said he was gay Jared's knee-jerk response would be "Awesome! Bring your boyfriend over for dinner!" He saw Brokeback Mountain with Sandy, loved it. It's not a homophobic thing, he's just simply not like that. Which would be a lot more simple if his dick wasn't stirring at the thought of him and Jensen in a tent like in that movie, naked and falling into each other. But then, there's the totally not ignorable fact that the Jake Gyllenhaal character got his face bashed in with a tire iron for being with another dude, and that's not exactly a fate Jared wishes for himself. Or for Jensen.

God damn it, why does this have to be so hard? What if they can't get past this? What if Jensen can't be around him anymore? They work together, how is it gonna be if things are all tense between them? And they don't just work together at, like, an office or something; there are millions of people watching them do their jobs. People will be able to tell if things are weird with between them. They'll ask, Clif will ask, _Misha_ will ask. Shit, Misha will know something's wrong before he even gets out of his car. What're they supposed to say? Are they supposed to just pretend nothing's wrong, or make up a story about a fight, or what? How the hell is Jared supposed to deal with this?

Alright, this is stupid. He's been lying up here angsting about this all night and now all morning. The grown-up thing to do is drag his ass out of bed and go downstairs and talk to Jensen. Jared's head spins just a little as he heaves himself up off the mattress and makes his way downstairs. Jensen isn't in the kitchen anymore, but that's not surprising since Jared isn't really sure how long he was lost in his own head up there. Sadie and Harley bark excitedly and rush at him, and he crouches down and spends a few minutes giving his girls some love. Then he moves toward the closed door of Jensen's bedroom, and raps his knuckles hesitantly against the door. The shuffling of movement Jared can hear from inside the room stops immediately, and then there's just silence for a few minutes.

"Jensen?" Jared tries tentatively.

Then the door swings open and Jensen's bustling past him, fully dressed with a duffle bag thrown over his shoulder.

"Jen, what're you – " Jared begins in surprise.

"I'm gonna get a room somewhere for a few days," he says brusquely, moving toward the door and refusing to look at Jared.

"You – what? Why?" Jared splutters.

Jensen's hand stills for a moment on the doorknob. "You know why."

"What? No, c'mon, this doesn't have to be a big deal if you don't want it to be!" Jared protests. "We can just …"

"Forget it?" Jensen supplies coldly. "I can't, Jare."

"No, that's not what I was gonna say. Just – I don't know – can we at least talk about it?"

"I … I can't." Jensen glances over his shoulder briefly, and there are tears in his eyes. "I can't be here anymore. I'm sorry, I just … can't."

And then he's gone.

____

Jared's a mess all day. Yeah, okay, maybe he wasn't exactly prepared to declare his love for Jensen or anything but the last thing he wanted was for Jensen to _leave_. He wanted to talk about it, figure out together what they were gonna do about it. He wanted to _deal_ with it. How is he supposed to do that if Jensen's just gonna run away? And Jared doesn't even know for sure if he's coming back. There was something hauntingly final about the way Jensen said "I can't be here anymore". To Jared, it sounded a lot like goodbye.

He loses track of how many times he calls Jensen's cell phone and leaves embarrassingly pleading messages.

"I'm not mad, or grossed out or whatever else you might think. You're still my best friend, this hasn't changed that, okay? I just … I wanted you to know that. Call me back, man, please."

"You're coming back, right? Please just text me or something to let me know you're coming back. I don't want you to go, we can deal with this! We've been friends for five years, Jen, we can handle this. Please?"

"Alright, look, I didn't wanna say this to your voicemail but since you're not picking up, I … look, it's not like your feelings are completely one-sided, okay? I don't know for sure what I feel but …" Jared pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed in eyes together. "Just … please, can you just come home so we can talk about this?"

"So is this really how its gonna be?" Jared snapped when he got Jensen's recorded answer for the umpteenth time. "Something happened that you don't wanna deal with so you're just gonna run away? You can't avoid me forever, Ackles. We work together, remember? Did you even call Clif to let him know where to pick you up on Monday? Or are you just hiding in some hotel room somewhere like a friggin' coward?"

"Jen, baby, please." Jared was aware that he was teary and all-out whimpering in that one, but he couldn't help it. "Please come home. I don't know what else to say. Please, baby, you're really scaring me. I need you to come back."

In the end, that's the one that makes Jensen finally come back. Jared is flaked out on the couch, Sadie kind of flopped over his feet, when he hears a car pull up, and fifteen heart-stopping seconds later, the scrape of keys and the door being wrenched open and then slammed shut so hard the whole damn house shakes. Jared's on his feet in the space of a blink, ignoring the annoyed squawk from Sadie, and turning around so fast it gives him whiplash.

"Thank god," he mutters, stumbling forward and pulling Jensen into a hug. He barely manages to get his arms around him, though, before Jensen's shoving him roughly off.

" _Don't_ touch me," he snarls, and it's then that Jared gets a good look at his friend's face.

Jensen's fuming.

"Baby?" he grinds out; his whole body clenched with the obvious effort of keeping his cool. " _Baby_? You kiss me, I tell you – that – and then you _leave_ and you think its okay to call me _baby_?"

"Jen, I – "

"No, don't," Jensen snaps. "There is _nothing_ you could say right now to make that okay, you fucking manipulative asshole. You are so goddamn lucking we're shooting on Monday or I would be punching you in the fucking face right now!"

"Why?" Jared yells back. "What the hell did I do?"

"You left!" Jensen spits venomously. "I bare my fucking soul for you and you just get up and leave? You're supposed to be my best friend, you prick! You couldn't even muster up the strength to let me down gently?"

"You were drunk, Jen!" Jared cries desperately. "You could barely even string a sentence together, how was I supposed to know if you were telling the truth, or if you even knew what you were saying?"

"That's your excuse?" Jensen shouts.

"Yeah, it is! And I think it's a pretty freakin' good excuse!" Jared protests. "You weren't in your right head, I felt like I was taking advantage of you! For all I knew you were gonna wake up this morning and regret it!"

"I _do_ regret it!" Jensen growls.

"Does that mean you didn't mean it?"

"It doesn't even matter! Just get it over with, okay?" Jensen snaps. "Losing my best friend isn't exactly something I'd like to drag out, so c'mon!"

"W-what?" Jared splutters.

"C'mon!" Jensen yells again.

"Jen, you're not losing me!" Jared cries, reaching out a little and wishing Jensen would let him touch him. "I'm not going anywhere, I swear."

"Why the hell not? When some guy tells you he's in love with you that's exactly what you should do!"

"You're not 'some guy'," Jared says firmly. "You're my best friend. I'm not giving you up, you hear me? Not ever."

Jensen's eyes are wild and he looks furious, but Jared can see past it. Jensen's not angry, he's scared.

"Did you mean it?" Jared asks quietly.

"I …" Jensen's face crumbles and his shoulders slack in dejected resignation. "Yeah. I did."

Jared nods. "How long?"

"Jay …" Jensen breathes imploringly.

"Please. I wanna know. "

Jensen sighs. "I'm not sure. A long time."

Jared shakes his head sadly. "Why didn't you ever tell me, man?"

"Are you kidding?" Jensen snorts in derision. "Cause I didn't wanna lose you! You're the best friend I've ever had, Jare, you're kinda everything to me, in case that managed to slip your mind! I didn't want to see that look on your face like …" he gulps helplessly and trails off.

"Like what?" Jared pushes.

Jensen heaves another heavy sigh, and when he looks at Jared there's nothing but despair on his face. Despair and miserable resignation.

"Like you hated me," he says dejectedly. "Like you were so disgusted you couldn't even be near me."

Jared feels like the floor just fell out from under him. He's free-falling, like he's on one of those drop rides at an amusement park and his stomach has permanently relocated to his brain and it's never going to end. He feels like someone just sliced his kidneys to pieces with a butter knife. Or like someone just ripped his throat out with their bare hands. He can't believe Jensen would think that. Jared isn't at all capable of being disgusted by Jensen, and the fact that Jensen thinks he is … it's painful. He _loves_ Jensen. Jensen could puke or develop a contagious skin infection, or any other unpleasant thing, and Jared would still love him. He'd still love him more than life itself.

"I … I could _never_ … " he stutters. Jensen's suddenly much too far away. Jared pulls him into another hug, and this time his friend hugs back, wrapping his arms around Jared's shoulders and burying his face in Jared's neck.

"I couldn't ever hate you," he whispers into Jensen's short hair. "Ever. I don't understand why you seem to think the only thing you're worth is what other people think of you, but you're worth so much more than that, Jensen. Loving someone isn't a bad thing."

Jensen sort of nods against Jared's shoulder and holds on a little tighter. Jared's heart breaks a little at the way his usually strong, confident friend is clinging to him.

"And look, I mean I'm not gonna propose or something, but it's not like I've never thought about it, about you," Jared continues softly.

"You – really?"

"Yeah. You're gorgeous, Jen, I'd be crazy if it never crossed my mind."

Jensen pulls back a little so he can see Jared's face. His eyes are shining with hopefulness now.

"So it's … it's not bad that I told you?" he asks quietly.

Jared smiles and shakes his head, and then Jensen leans up and kisses him, warm and soft. Jensen's lips are ridiculously silky and he's _good_ at this – it's one of the best kisses Jared's ever had and there isn't even tongue yet. Jared pulls back though, has too, because he can't let this go any further until they get some things straightened out. But Jensen seems to take it the wrong way, Jared sees the sting of rejection flash across his face and he quickly wraps his fingers around the back of Jensen's neck.

"I'm not saying no," he promises. "I just think we need to talk first."

Jensen looks a little reluctant but he nods, and then he takes Jared's hand and leads them over to the couch. He sits and Jared sits beside him, and then he reaches hesitantly over and runs his fingers through Jared's hair. Jared looks over at him quizzically, and Jensen laughs nervously and looks down at his hands.

"Sorry," he mutters. "Always wanted to do that."

Jared smiles and shakes his head fondly.

"So, you … what've you thought about? I mean, about – this?" Jensen asks tentatively.

"I … not much, really," Jared answers. "I just – I never _let_ myself think about it cause I didn't think there was any way, you know? I mean, it's … I'm straight. Or, at least I think I am. But there's definitely something here."

Jensen nods again and tugs absently at a loose thread near his knee.

"That was a pretty awesome kiss before," Jared says, smiling to himself as he remembers it. "And last night too. I mean, it's kinda fuzzy, but from what I remember it was … good. You – you felt … good." He's rambling now but he's not sure exactly how to put in the words what he wants to say. "I think it could be pretty great, you and me."

Jensen looks up and considers him briefly. "But?"

Jared sighs. Of course Jensen would pick up that there was a but.

"But I'm scared, Jen," Jared admits quietly.

"You – what are you scared of?"

"Losing you," Jared says simply.

"What? How are you losing me?" Jensen looks truly confused. "You – you'd be _getting_ me."

"No, I mean losing you as my best friend," Jared clarifies. "Losing this, losing what we have right now."

"That is _never_ going to happen. Never, do you hear me?" Jensen promises firmly. "Whatever else happens or doesn't happen, you're still the best friend I've ever had. You were the most important person in my life even before I realized how I felt about you. That doesn't change."

Jared nods, reassured a little but still insecure. "I don't want things to be different."

"I don't want things to be different either," Jensen agrees. "I just want … more."

"I … look, I'm not saying I don't want that too. I just don't know if I can do this." Jared's voice sounds small and pleading in his head. "I don't know if I can be that guy."

"What, you mean – gay?" Jensen asks, brow furrowed.

"No, not that. Well, okay, yes, definitely that," Jared concedes, shaking his head a little. "It's all kinds of terrifying to think about dealing with _that_ , God, my Dad's probably gonna try to run me over or something, but no, what I _meant_ was being, like … a boyfriend. I don't … I mean, I have a pretty impressive list of failed relationships. I don't think I'm very good at it, and it would kill me if I ever hurt you."

Jensen barks a laugh. "You know how insane that sounds, right? I mean c'mon, Jare, you're – you're kind and funny and sweet and you love to listen to people and you're crazy loyal and devoted, I'm pretty sure you'd make the best boyfriend!"

Jared tries to smile but he's pretty sure it comes off as a grimace. "I sound good on paper, I guess. Don't have a great track record though. Genevieve …" Jared swallows and looks down at the floor. "She always said I was kinda distant, you know? Like I was there but I wasn't really _there_. Like my head was somewhere else, like I was thinking about something else. Some _one_ else."

When he looks up again there's this tiny dare-to-hope smile on Jensen's face, and the realization hits Jared like a wrecking ball.

"I … holy shit," he breathes. "You. I was thinking about you."

Jensen doesn't say anything, he just blinks cautiously and waits for Jared to go on.

"I can't believe I never realized that before. We'd – we'd go to a movie and I'd think 'Jensen would really like this movie', or we'd go to a restaurant and I'd think 'I should come back here with Jensen,'" Jared shakes his head and laughs shakily. "Holy crap. That's … I can't believe that never clicked before. I was thinking about you."

He swallows a few times helplessly, trying to figure out what the hell it means that he apparently had feelings for Jensen all along and just didn't realize it. How could he seriously have been so blind? It sounds like a ridiculous cliché but Jared honestly just didn't notice. He'd been living under the delusion that everyone felt that way about their best friend. Clearly, now, that isn't true. Clearly not everyone loves their best friend more than life itself and always wants to be touching them. So, yeah, he definitely has feelings for Jensen. He was just too stupid to understand them.

"Well that's … that's good, I guess, cause I …" Jensen blushing a little and glances toward the floor. "I'm kinda always thinking about you."

There's a little flutter of nervous flattery in Jared's chest at Jensen's admission, but for some reason it also takes him back to that dizzy, vulnerable place where he doesn't think he's anywhere near good enough for someone like Jensen.

"I still don't know if I can do this," he says softly. "I don't know if I can be what you want me to be."

Jensen considers him for a moment, pensive. "How do you know what I want from you if I haven't asked anything yet?"

Jared shrugs pitifully and Jensen shifts forward and cups Jared's cheek in his palm.

"I just want you, that's it," he says gently. "I don't want you to be anything other than what you already are. I love you exactly the way you are."

Jared nods and sniffs. Jensen's eyes are pool of emerald and Jared can see sincerity shining in them. And something else, something warmer. It looks a lot like love.

"So we'd still be best friends," he says, his voice small and little-boyish again.

"Of course we would," Jensen promises, rubbing his thumb reassuringly over Jared's cheek. "Everything would be the same. Just … plus sex." He grins cheekily and Jared laughs.

"Doesn't sound so bad when you put it that way."

"Sounds pretty damn great to me," Jensen agrees.

"Have you ever? With another guy?" Jared asks tentatively, not really sure which answer he'd rather hear.

"I – not really." Jensen's smile fades a little.

"Not really?"

"This guy, Evan … something, in high school, he – he sucked me off, like … twice, I think." Jensen clarifies, not meeting Jared's gaze like he's ashamed of it. "And I gave him like half a hand job in the janitor's closet before we got caught. But that's it. Since then I've only been with women. Well, except …" he trails off and smiles sheepishly.

"Except what?" Jared prods.

"Except all those times I jerked off thinking about you," Jensen mumbles in a rush, cringing in embarrassment.

Jared doesn't think he has anything to be embarrassed about at all. He thinks that's the hottest thing he's ever heard actually.

"You – you did?" he asks, voice breathy and unsure.

"Yeah. You drove me crazy sometimes, always touchin' me and smiling at me and just being generally awesome to me." Jensen scratches at the back of his neck.

"I – damn, I'm sorry," Jared reaches over and lets his hand rest on Jensen's knee. "I'm just … I like touching people, I guess." He laughs a little. "Never meant to tease you or anything."

"I know you didn't." Jensen tucks one leg up on the couch so he can scoot closer and turn towards Jared. "You were just being you. I liked it, usually. I liked when you'd hug me right in front of everyone, I liked the way your face would light up when you saw me. Felt like, I dunno, like I mattered to someone. Like I was important. I've never really felt like that before."

"You're not wrong." Jared shifts a little closer on the couch too. "You do matter, a lot. To a lot of people."

"Oh yeah?" There's a teasing lilt in Jensen's voice, and he leans close enough that their lips are almost touching. "And you?"

"Definitely. You're the most important thing in my whole world, Jen."

There might as well be electricity crackling between them for how much heat there is ricocheting between their chests right now. Jared's kind of terrified and a lot turned on and it's all getting mushed up in his brain because he can smell Jensen's skin from this close.

"Me too," Jensen murmurs. "You're one part gorgeous, three parts pure southern charm. Pretty sure I never had a hope of not falling for you."

Jared just nods numbly as Jensen's warm palms make their way slowly up his thighs.

"So're we doin' this?" Jensen's voice is rougher now, husky. "Cause if it's yes, then it's just you and me. M'not willing to share you."

Jared nods again and somehow forces his arms up to cup his hands around Jensen's neck.

"Yeah," he breathes. "Want this. Want you."

"You sure?"

"You wanna wait and find out?" Jared grins.

Jensen pretends to consider it for a moment, then he shakes his head no and presses his lips into Jared's. Really gently at first, just a dry slide of soft flesh, and even this non-kiss has Jared's pulse racing. Jensen's lips are plump and perfect and Jared can help but imagine what they'd feel like on other parts of his body. Then Jensen opens his mouth a little and leans in deeper, and oh yeah, there it is. Wet and warm and _perfect_. When Jensen's tongue slides in against Jared's, hot and sure like it belongs there, Jared all out moans and this is officially the best kiss he's ever had. Jensen is _talented_ , holy crap, the way his tongue swirls around in Jared's mouth and the way his lips kind of suck at Jared's so damn good. Why the hell hadn't they been doing this all along? Feels like a ridiculous waste of almost five years of _not_ knowing what Jensen tastes like, or how it feels to have Jensen's hands running sensually up and down his thighs.

Jensen pulls back for air after what feels like forever, and Jared is panting and shaky and more than half hard in his sweats.

"Wow," he whispers, totally blown away at how perfect that felt. How right.

"You – you're feeling something, here, right?" Jensen asks, worrying his perfect bottom lip between straight, white teeth. "That was a good 'wow'?"

Jared laughs unsteadily. "Are you kidding? That was am amazing 'wow'." He nods down toward his tented sweatpants. "That tell you if I'm feeling something?"

Jensen's eyes dart there, and then quickly away like he doesn't think he's supposed to be seeing that, and then slowly back as a flush colors his face. He stares for a minute, and then he looks back up at Jared in wonder.

"I did that?" he asks quietly, like he can't believe it.

"Yeah," Jared grins and brushes the backs of his knuckles over Jensen's cheek. "You – are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sorry," Jensen mumbles, shaking his head as if to clear it. "Just not used to this yet, I guess. Not used to the idea that I can have you like this"

Jared smiles wider, and then leans back in to kiss and lick at Jensen's neck. He starts at the base where it meets Jensen's shoulder, and nips up towards Jensen's ear. When he gets there, he sucks on the lobe for a minute as Jensen gasps, then he whispers "You can touch too, if you want."

Jensen gasps louder and pulls back enough to see Jared's eyes. He looks unsure and nervous, and Jared kind of feels like he's the one who should be nervous here since Jensen's had a lot longer to square himself with the idea of them together, but Jared's just excited. It feels perfectly right having Jensen like this, and all he wants is Jensen's hands all over him.

"You can, Jen. It's okay," Jared murmurs, pressing another soft kiss into Jensen's impossibly soft lips.

Jensen reaches out and brushes just the tips of his fingers up Jared's erection, and Jared hisses. Even that barely there touch sent little sparks of electricity through his body. Jensen gets a little bolder, then, palming Jared firmly through the fabric of his pants and holy hell if he keeps doing that Jared's gonna come before they even really get started.

"Fuck, Jen," he breathes into Jensen's mouth, surging forward to deepen the kiss.

"Used to think about this all the time," Jensen breathes back, any trace of anxiety gone now as he rubs Jared's cock expertly. "Lie in bed and think about what I'd do to you, used to get off on it all the time."

"Yeah?" Jared drags his hands down Jensen's back and settles them low on his hips. "You touch yourself while you're thinking about me?"

"Mm," Jensen hums by way of agreement.

"What did you think about?" Jared rasps, breath hitching in pleasure as Jensen's fingers squeeze the head of his cock.

"Touching you everywhere, all the places other people couldn't." Jensen sucks a kiss into the skin under Jared's ear. "Tasting you, wondered what you'd feel like on my tongue, _god_ I bet you taste so sweet Jare."

Jared groans and Jensen echoes it and then swallows it up in his mouth.

"Thought about getting my hands and my tongue on every bit of you," Jensen continues huskily, fingers slipping under the waistband of Jared's sweats now and gripping his cock surely in his hand. Jared moans loudly at the first skin on skin contact. Jensen's palm drags up and down on Jared's dick and Jared's pretty sure his brain is about to melt. Holy shit, how is it possible that this ten minutes of kissing and a hand-job has been better than every sexual encounter he's ever had?

"Thought about fucking you too." Jensen's thumbnail digs into the slit and Jared twitches. "Gettin' you worked open, lay you out all pretty for me, get inside you so you'd be mine forever."

"Y-yeah?" Jared pants, blown away at how turned on he is right now.

"Mhm. Could fuck me too, if you wanted. Love it, want you to fill me up."

"Oh fuck," Jared moans. "Killin' me, Jen."

"Can I suck you?" Jensen asks suddenly, eyes bright and focused like he's in school or something.

"You – really? Yeah, okay," Jared's voice already sounds wrecked and fucked out. "Not gonna last long though."

"That's okay." Jensen presses a quick kiss to the corner of Jared's mouth and then he's sliding off the couch and getting comfortable on his knees between Jared's spread legs. Jensen reaches up and tugs at Jared's pants; Jared gets the hint and lifts his hips up so Jensen can tug them down to mid-thigh. Jared's cock springs free, red and angry looking, and leaves a smear of precome where it slaps against his belly.

" _Jesus_ ," Jensen breathes closing his eyes for a moment. "God, tryin' to give me a heart attack? You're so _gorgeous_ Jay."

Jared flushes a little and shrugs sheepishly, dissolving instantly into a filthy groan when Jensen lurches forward and swallows him down. Holy mother of _fuck_ that's good, hot and wet and tight and then Jensen's _sucking_ and swallowing around him and Jared's head falls back onto the cushions because his neck just gave out. It's sort of sloppy and there's not a lot of technique, obviously since its Jensen's first time, but somehow that actually makes it better. Jensen's clearly giving it his all, wanting so badly to make it good for Jared and that's so hot it defies description.

There's probably filth pouring out of his mouth but he can't hear anything over the blood rushing past his ears, he's fuckin' surprised there's any blood left in his body that's not currently pulsing in his dick, the dick that's slipping into Jensen's throat (where the hell did he learn how to do that?) and then that's it, Jared's coming like a freight train, crying out helplessly and shooting down Jensen's throat. Jensen holds on and sucks him through it, and Jared can feel hot and wet dripping down into his pubic hair; streams of come that Jensen didn't quite manage to swallow. First time giving a blow job, Jared gives him major props for even trying. Or he would, if his brain wasn't mush right now and he had the ability to think anything past _so fuckin' good_.

"Shit," he mutters shakily when he can make his mouth remember what it's there for again.

Jared looks blearily down and Jensen's there smiling shyly at him, face flushed and come still smeared over his lips and _fuck_ if that's not the sexiest thing Jared's ever seen, including that awesome strip tease Sandy did for him once. He leans down a little and crushes Jensen's swollen lips in a kiss, tasting himself there.

"Was it okay?" Jensen whispers unsurely.

"Okay?" Jared repeats incredulously. "Best ever. Seriously. Not just saying that."

Jensen rolls his eyes a little more but he manages to look at least a little proud of himself.

"You need me to …" Jared gestures towards Jensen's lap, currently out of his line of vision.

"No, I …" Jensen blushes furiously this time, and he holds up his hand so Jared can see it's covered in come. His own come. Because blowing Jared had gotten Jensen so worked up that he couldn't wait until he was done. Holy _shit_ that's hot.

"Sorry," he mutters. "I really liked doing that to you. Kinda lame, huh?"

"No way," Jared assures him. "It might be the hottest thing ever, actually. I'm just disappointed I didn't get to return the favor."

"You will," Jensen promises seductively. "We'll be back in business again soon, I'm sure."

Jared grins and kisses Jensen gently. "Would a nap help?"

Jensen grins back. "Definitely."

Jared tucks himself back into his pants while Jensen does the same. Then he stands up and pulls Jensen into his arms.

"Your bed or mine?" he asks, kissing Jensen's cheek.

"Can we – mine?" Jensen asks. "I … I kinda always wanted you there with me."

"Yeah," Jared agrees. "Plus, yours doesn't require stairs."

Jensen laughs as Jared pulls him across the room. The collapse onto Jensen's bed, legs tangled together and Jensen's head pillowed on Jared's chest.

"Love you, Jay," he murmurs.

It's too soon for him to say it back, so Jared smiles and kisses him deeply. He's pretty sure Jensen understands.


End file.
